I Don't Wanna...

The summer hasn’t turned out as I’d hoped.  I had plan to work from home, take my kids to the pool and spend some quality time with my Grandmother and getting her out of the house.  Well, June 5^th came and blew my little world apart.  A week later, my Grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer, released from the hospital only to return the next day because she was bleeding.  A week after that we were told by the liver specialists they couldn’t treat my Grandmother until she was stronger.  However, since June 5^th, she’s become completely dependent on me, my uncle and nurses only being able to feed herself.  Try to imagine having to help walk your grandmother or mother to the restroom, then help her sit on the toilet and then clean her up.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.

Thursday, the same week, we enrolled my Grandmother into respite care at a nursing home while my aunt and uncle went out of town.  We all thought it was the best place since she needed round the clock care and I still had a job and a family to take care of.  She was in there one day and starting vomiting.  They tried to control it but were unable to especially when blood was present.  Let me jump back and state the liver specialists told us she would retain large amounts of fluids and swell, her mind would start to go from the toxins and she’d start to bleed because the blood wasn’t able to get through the liver and had to go somewhere. 

Saturday, she was rushed to the ER where I met her and was finally admitted that evening with a lower bowl obstruction.  They inserted a tube in her stomach to drain her allowing the obstruction to move on its own since surgery was not an option.  Monday, with the tube still running from her nose to her stomach, my Grandmother decided she didn’t want to fight any longer.  Her Dr also informed us the same day that even if she were to get stronger, which didn’t look likely, she was no longer a candidate for any cancer treatment.  She’s in the late stages and her body was shutting down. 

Currently, she’s enrolled in a hospice facility and we wait.  Funny party?  She looks better today than she has this entire time.  Seriously.  I told her she has to act goofy so people don’t think I’m lying.

But in all honesty, these past few weeks have been the hardest.  I became her power of attorney, allowing me to make sure her medical wishes are acknowledged.  This one time, I don’t want to be the adult. 

The best part has been talking with her.  She’s still coherent and her first night without machines, we talked the entire night.  Our time together has been great.  Seeing her as she is has given my heart some peace.  I’m okay with her leaving this world because I know it’s what she wants and her happiness without pain is all we’ve ever wanted.

Thank you.

PS.  She’s still alive.

It all started with a glass of wine, 1 jack and diet and 2 long island iced teas…

This post is well over due and I’m sorry for the delay.  Since I came back from conference, life has thrown me one curve ball after another.  Rollercoaster ride doesn’t even begin to describe my life and it’s only Wednesday!

First off, the Lori Foster conference was AMAZING!  I met so many awesome ladies there.  And now we’re all besties on Twitter!  Before I left, I’d blogged about voice and if Julie and Nikki would sound in person how they do in my head.  And they do.  Completely!  Julie is not only sugary, sweet on-line but in person I could just eat her up.  Nikki was the devilish little vixen I thought she was and we had a blast together.  I think I held up the naughty side of our conversations so Julie didn’t feel too dirty to contribute.  LOL!

I couldn’t believe how Julie and Nikki stuck by me the entire weekend; someone they’d just met (even though we talk everyday on Twitter or email).  I love these two and can’t WAIT until our next conference together.

I met TONS of authors and bloggers like: J.A. Saare; Keri Ford, Maddie James (AKA Kim Jacobs) Bells (Bellie7 on Twitter) and many more.  Nikki will have a funny story about how I reacted after meeting JA. 

Besides all the new people and info I learned, I received some 99.9% confirmation news which caused me to hug Kim (at the time, soon to be publisher) and I’d just met the woman. 

And yes, I signed a contract with TMP this morning for my YA Honey Creek novella.  I don’t have dates or anything yet but when I do, I’ll pass the info along.  On a side note, my friend Julie will be the launching story for the Honey Creek line!  Goooooooo Julie!

Now for those who are wondering, the contract news was the highlight of my week but the lows started Monday morning.  I went grocery shopping for my grandmother (she’s 83) and when I dropped off her stuff, she didn’t look well, at all.  So I took her to the ER thinking she has some sort of blockage because her stomach was so distended.  Hours later, turns out her liver and pancreas were covered in tumors and they told her she has cancer, just not sure what kind yet.  They admitted her and ran a bone marrow test the next morning and it’s now Wednesday and we don’t know anything.  I’m amazed at how frail she’s gotten since Monday.  I don’t think she’s given up completely yet but I know she’s tired.  She’s not in a lot of pain, just discomfort.  My uncle and I have been taking turns sitting with her.  Both of us are here now but neither one of us wants to leave or tell the other one to leave.  And that’s okay. 

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers and I will try and keep you informed.  My grandmother is a strong woman who’s lived a long life.  I have a feeling she’s going to be punching and kicking for a while longer.